Taintlight

Written By David Strege

2016-02-06-02-23-41-1233967025

Directed By Christopher Seaver under and Associated with Most Epic Triumph Films along with his Low Budget Pictures Label distributed by Splatter Video from 2009 this was a hilarious mock film making fun of the Twilight saga hokey but definitely much better then Vampires Suck which came out around the same time.

Begins as a man is taking a dump and comically as men tend to do, dramatize his taking of a dump.  An obvious redneck he feels like something’s after him so he runs screaming, thinks he’s alone again then drops his drawers to finish and is bitten by an unknown assailant.

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Stella Ann Lee has arrived home to Bonejack Heights, New York to live with her totally Incest/sex addicted father after her mother contracted a case of the committed suicide disease.  To be honest her dad seems like a total creep lol. Meeting Jack the first guy who’d fingered her ththey do a little catch up. At school first day she meets T-Bone McCloud and Jesse Nipplewax as Jack had apparently told everyone about his only fingerbang.  As they go to  lunch Stella met this pale looking young man and his reject family named Edgar, Rosalis and Rathbone Mullins. Edgar always seems to say rude things and think Stella smells repugnant like shes farted while he’s around her.  His facial demonstrations alone while staring at stella are priceless.

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If that’s not enough Chris shows up as Jock de Queaf as this british ac/dc looking queer of a man stating that he has a home video of himself sitting on a mound shit flicking his own flees as hes off to tea with spam being his only other companion.

Meanwhile Razor McBleed and his gay servant Raoul are a pair of rival real vampires out to destroy the mullins and their gang of so called Fagpires.   Edgar saves her from a near fatal accident with a rogue mime, a scene not unlike streetcar named desire, but still acts like the best thing for him to do is get away from her. Dreaming of Edgar waking to her daddy sleepjacking again she gets to school and talks to edgar about saving her through insults he still says he’ll see her later.  later that night Edgar startles Stella awake, creepy dad hiding in the closet whisks her away in the night from the room to some woods.  tells her he has powerful senses and faster than a puma, a vampire. beating her up to prove it they realize they are drawn to eachother.  The Mullins don’t have fangs, don’t drink human blood and ejaculate bubbles in the sunlight that give humans orgasms.

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On the other hand jack so happens to be a Michael Jackson dancing werewolf who saves Stella from being vamped by the real vampires minions Raoul and the newest female recruit.  Stuck in a love triangle eventually it comes down to an ultimate battle between Razor McBleed and his clan against the Mullins who will win? instead of a baseball game Frisbee golf?

watching it a second time this film is really starting to grow on me. I will always watch this film back to back with Twilight since this is what twilight would have been like on acid lol

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I give this film a 4 out of 5 star rating its certainly not scary but its certainly got its humor.  I reccomond for those into horror comedy for sure!

Starring Jesse Ames as Veronica, Andrew Baltes as Rathbone & Mime, Miranda Bonetwig as Rosalis, Billy Garberina as Tobius & Raoul, Jesse Green as Razor, Meredith Host as Stella, Kurt Indovina as Edgar, Jason McCall as T-Bone, Chris Seaver as Jock de Queaf, Jessica Stephens as Jessey, Josh Suire as Leo’s Twin Brother, A.J. Stabone as Werewolf (uncredited).

 

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